星期日, 1月 31, 2010

Fancl Deluxe TENSE UP

Thank you She.com for the offer. I shall kick off my odyssey of TENSE UP tonight and keep you posted.

星期四, 1月 28, 2010

鄰家妹妹



隔壁家小妹妹常常在窗邊招我。聖誕節我本來應承跟她玩耍,最終我病了,也就沒有應諾。

晚上時常聽見她大哭。

小妹妹,默書考試測驗啫。

星期三, 1月 27, 2010

Daddy long ears


Daddy
by: Sylvia Plath

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene

An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You--

Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who

Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.

But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look

And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two--
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

我擁有相片中這隻樣衰阿闊已經十年(兔子,你一生有幾多個十年?)。牠的皮膚是一種襪的針織布料;但近年出產的阿闊都不是這種布料。

Sylvia Plath 這個女詩人活的是一種悲劇人物的人生。亦舒說過一般人在成長中,逐漸學會妥協,那其實是排遣壓力,處理問題的一種方式。然而悲劇人物卻越活越固執,變本加厲,人生便是個越來越大的鬱結。

妥協呀妥協。妥協除了張就張就,妥協也可以是面對現實,不要一味追尋求天長地久。我的阿闊如果死了,就讓牠死吧,我也不要另一隻布娃娃。

(我的心很燥動,因為有些事情膩住了。)

葡萄園

去年盛夏,是我人生中最不快樂的時候。一位住在葡萄園的少婦,受人之託召我到訪她家,跟我說話,為我解悶。

葡萄園屋苑很漂亮。在香港的一隅締造出一片加洲的晴天果園。艷陽灑照在泳池上,光線閃爍如鑽。會所食物價廉物美--雖然寧靜宜人的氛圍被出巡的郭少一行人打破。

少婦的房子樓高三層,外加庭園、天台及車房。男主人出外公幹,少婦仍有兩頭小貓及一隻大犬相伴。我拎著高腳杯,香檳冒著嘟嘟氣泡,嗲人的大汪汪卻要我跟它糾纏玩耍。

葡萄園內似桃花源,但園外卻雜亂無章。村屋、車場等就在腳下。環境對比強烈得諷刺。

-.-.-.-.-.

又有朋友告訴我一位年高九十的婆婆買了一間葡萄園投資。唉,點租呢?要放多久才能脫手呢?我見過一次鬼便知道這些賣生活質素的新界屋苑難出貨。本市生活迫人,大部份人買樓都是考慮交通為主。我現居的地方質素環境比火車站上蓋的樓宇好得多,但呎價郤相若。

其實香港已經很細,交通已經很快捷,但人們仍然非常介意那麼十五二十分鐘路程。

星期二, 1月 26, 2010

當母親駕臨時

我看著沙發,沙發上四散的連身裙及內衣褲向吐舌頭。

我看著鋅盆,鋅盆裡狼籍的茶杯碟子平底鑊朝我扮鬼臉。

如果我不收拾,怕妹妹們又會加我一條罪,往後更囉唆。

Letter to sis

Mother told me sis LL moved her schdeule that she would be returning after Chinese New Year. LL met a friend who went to Washington for a performance and they would stay together (???).

Ode sis. If you get a chance to live your dream, grab it and fly with it! The making of a performance is charming and breath-taking. I am always turn on when I am one of the people making a performance. It's beautiful when people with different talents diversifed values joining up together for a single purpose of bringing up a fruitful show. Everyone in the team is unique but moving towards an ultimate goal in an united pace.

Stage is an amazing place. Working on a stage is enchanting.

Embrace your dream if the chance knocks at your door. Haha and let me embrace your when you are back to the door of our home. (i know u will push me away....|~_~|/....and yell 你好鬼肉麻呀)

琴弦欲舞

樓上樓下該住了個學彈琴的孩子吧。聽過他/她的蕭邦,聽過舒曼。

是一個節制的孩子。

我喜歡這樣的居住環境。但太淡靜了,不宜我這種立不直的絲蘿長居。

獨居絲蘿還是住回市中心比較妥當。那些參天的甲級商廈,是我的喬木。

星期一, 1月 25, 2010

Identity crisis

大擰樂事件是我幫男人整 resume 結果男人的 cv 附上小女子我的玉照一張。

我點知姐我向mac book 到唔見有相我又點知向 pc 會有相我又點知有bug喎。。。。。。

嗚嗚嗚嗚

點補救?d resume 聲左出街..... Any suggestion?

犯賤

唉生活平淡如水本是好事,奈何自己不甘寂寞,竟然自忖拋個身出來做番Personal Assistant,從蹈火海。

一枝紅杏欲出牆,春色滿園,關得住,關不關得住?

as lazy as a cat

Things are settled. But I remain "unmotivated" and am becoming more and more like a geek.

I sit in front of the computers working and surfing at the same time around the clock. I prefer msn to telephoning, sms to calls, indoor to outdoor, Hong Kong to overseas, home to any places else than home (<== how logically undefeatable! ). Ms. Leung said it's ok as I would be moving out from this quiet, peaceful, comfortable and spacious little rural flat and back to city centre soon. Wai Lim, however, said I was a lazy cat (<== PIG in Cantonese) and it was fatal. Must figure a way out of this... meanwhile, if laziness is desiring...... ‘Change’ without ‘Pain’; ‘Love’ without ‘Sacrifice’; ‘Wealth’ without ‘Wisdom’; ‘Health’ without ‘Exercise’; ‘Power’ without ‘Discipline’; ‘Progress’ without ‘Patience’; ‘Respect’ without ‘Character’; ‘Perfection’ without ‘Practice’; ‘Fulfillment’ without ‘Purpose’; ‘Success’ without ‘Preparation’; ‘Development’ without ‘Learning’; ‘Freedom’ without ‘Responsibility’; ‘Opportunities’ without ‘Challenges’; ‘Authority’ without ‘Accountability’; ‘Leadership’ without ‘Followership’; ‘ Promotion’ without ‘Contribution’; At least power is not on my checklist (<==as known as DisciplXXX is not on my mind???)

(((((((((((NO WAY. I must help myself)))))))) Pic: A Boy with A Cat by Renoir

星期六, 1月 23, 2010

貪心的人

今天下午看電視,介紹 john law 這個賭徒。

貪心的人關在賭場,最多輸自己身家。貪心的人手執大權橫行社會,會輸你過去現在未來的身家。

別隻眼開隻眼閉。

Pic: John Law from Wiki

Armani Stockings

我很喜歡這橙的絲襪。是一種彷似吊襪帶的設計。

首次穿戴是一個週五,同事幫我拍照留念。“are u going out tonight?" 他把iPhone 還我。我微笑說“no i am going home."

幸好有拍下照片。那夜,我大意把它扯破了。(呵彩雲易散琉璃脆。)

謹此追憶。

東鐵全線故障

港鐵車務工程總管金澤培,昨晚解釋東鐵全線癱瘓事件,皆因網絡專家啟動錯誤程式所致。溫文學攝



跟梁小姐圍在電視前看此新聞,大家都極有興趣知道為什麼有outage,而有個後備操作平台會否能夠解決入錯command問題。

ummmm其實如果鍵入了一個critical command,係咪應該 prompt d confirmation 出黎?

我又唔明,點解 testing 唔向 testing environment 做......

我問梁小姐:「果幅圖係米dashboard呀?」「可能。」「點解唔做彩色呀,咁邊條線打邊條就一目了然啦。」「彩色用多d memory,用多d memory 就慢 d 囉個 system。」

「仲有,」梁小姐陰陰嘴:「幅圖難睇d咪好似專業d其他人咪冇咁多野問囉。」

桃花依舊笑春風

兩星期前一個黃昏,我踏上公司穿梭巴士時望出窗外,但見紅霞滿天,彩雲片片。六時多天不竟黑,這虎年的春節可謂明乎其實的春節。

每到春暖,新界桃花都開得早。今年是否亦然?

季節變遷不但見於天色,連皮膚也可成為四季代言。這個星期早上起來,但見T字位微泛油光。我便停用 super cream,改用lotion。翌日肌膚狀態回復平衡。

能夠踫上一套四時合用的護膚品,比找到對先生更好。因為,護膚品體貼之餘,護膚品不會出軌。

星期四, 1月 21, 2010

跟自己相處

漸漸明白,我需要大量時間獨處,聆聽及了解自己身體及心靈要告訴我的話。

頭要爆炸了、膊胳酸楚得要命、雙腿乾燥、心情平靜得來帶點納悶,突然想大量閱讀。

我飄上半空,抽離地俯瞰自己,像個天文衛星。颱風暴雨的形成非我手能揮之則去,但至少我想學習預測。【紅玫瑰白玫瑰】的振保一樣,我想管住自己。

可恨我不是【兩生花】裡的維朗莉卡,我沒有兩個我。日子一天一天過,每一時每一刻只有一個我。過一種白色的生活?過一種紅色的生活?我的感覺竟是:娶了紅玫瑰,久而久之,紅的變了牆上的一抹蚊子血,而白的還是『床前明月光』;娶了白玫瑰,白的便是衣服上的一粒飯粘子,紅的卻是心口上的一顆硃砂痣。

即便是給我粉紅色的一生,把白色攙入紅色,漂漂亮亮,日子久了,還是會心思思幻想著另外一種顏色。

但事實是我眼前只有這一生,只有一個我。我沒有可能一時紅色一時白色。理性點,為自己著想,我還是管好自己吧。

裸立鏡前,我抱抱自己。管自己之餘,也要愛自己。這樣的身材這樣的皮膚,稍一不留神,便會變質。我跟自己說:「你要珍惜呀。」

星期三, 1月 20, 2010

細雨中慢嚥

李碧華說細雨中買了一個出爐麵包邊吃邊趕路。在雨中,每吃一口便急急捏緊膠袋口,免得雨水沾溼麵包。珍惜之至。

李碧華說其為她最喜歡的麵包。因為:「一,我餓。二,我買得起。三,我買得到。」

The rules about capturing your Mr. Right

散拖後你會做什麼?我會買一大堆教女人戀愛的書,狂啃。

通常叫女人扮很難到手,叫女人吊高來賣。

都啱既。

不過最好不用「扮」也不「吊」。實情是你根本條件很好很多人要,人多迫到好難得到你。

自愛獨立自在,才是正路。

星期一, 1月 18, 2010

變態佬?

我站在頭等車卡車門側,背靠玻璃發呆。

這個一身土黃色的男子在大學站上車,握著我胸前的扶手。火車蠕動著,土黃男子的身體也搖搖欲墜。我警覺起來,看見他瞇起眼睛,似睡未睡。

妖。

我轉個身,走往對面車門。巧合地土黃男子此時醒來了,他也往這邊車門走過來。

火車到站,我下車。土黃男子亦下了車。我在月臺駐足,慢慢地走在土黃男子身後。

咑咑咑咑,火車要開了,土黃男子,跳上了前兩卡,非頭等車箱。

我不知道土黃男子是否有所企圖,但我何必冒險?

而如果我夏天穿泳衣去游泳,又可算冒險?

希望只是在泳季穿個泳衣去游泳的陳巧文能見怪不怪,其怪自敗。希望社會能共同發聲向那手持鏡頭的,說句:「你好無恥!」

星期日, 1月 17, 2010

Geek! (and a sub-geekian's perspective)

昨夜倚著食蛇者看【燃眉追擊】,當研究員chok機時,我居然說:「咦難道這是DOS介面嗎?」;鏡頭拉後,遠境入鏡,我又說:「咦這有條手臂郁來郁去的豈不是storage嗎?」

Geek 呀我。

說過不下百遍,我愛我的工作。這份工不單為我開啟了知識範籌上的一片新天地,還啟發了我對工作的看法。

撇開卡片上的虛銜,工作上,我其實是一個 individual contributor,我不是管理人員。我只有同儕,沒有下屬。合作,我靠influence,不靠management。

我希望借機構這個平台,實現我的嘗試。如此而已。我沒有什麼野心,也沒有權力欲。

「不在乎天長地久,只在乎曾經擁有」是我對工作的態度。

人有多大膽,樹有多大個橙

Young man,

Tolstoy said "Man is like a fraction whose numerator is what he is and whose denominator is what he thinks of himself. The larger the denominator the smaller the fraction. "

So true.

Then how about either the numerator or denominator being ZERO?

Yours,
Lady on 70/F

沒有月亮的晚上


(待續)

星期五, 1月 15, 2010

氣味

清晨,街燈漸漸給八月一日的晨曦搶去風頭。

你我根本素眛平生,但你說哎費事你行行下衝出馬路便拖我的手。你手掌大,溫暖有力,我便給你拖著我的手。拖手而已。

你我根本素眛平生,但我看見你胸膛上的毛髮。在你站到一旁抽煙時我有想像過那平原可否容納奔騰萬馬,任我馳騁。

你我根本素眛平生,但你擁著我時我卻在享受你的氣味。一種摻合了古龍水薄荷煙雄性動物的氣味。我喜歡這種氣味。

你我根本素眛平生,但你斷言我是色狼。可能我真是色狼。我總是為氣味所吸引。

(所以你吃完蛇,湊近我,我便立即警覺你有些什麼不同了。)
(蛇,好恐怖呀。)
(你我根本素眛平生,我怎知道你冬天,會食蛇?!)

Wondering around the wonderland

愛麗絲忽大忽小,她哭了起來。嗚嗚嗚嗚,愛麗絲復又發現她被浸於一個池塘裡。她喝一口池水......噢,怎麼是鹹的?

那是愛麗絲一池的淚水。

人生路上,起起伏伏。我有時強壯,有時軟弱。強壯的時候如小蠻牛,軟弱的時候我甚麼也不如。

昨夜無聊,把玩手機時無意中翻看了這五個月來與operations manager 來往的短訊,發現其實每個月這位過路英雄都會痛罵我一次,次次鬧到我喊。

這位過路英雄罵人時很可怕,單是眉頭眼額已經嚇到我喊。且言之有物,句句中的,我無從駁斥。所以唯有喊。

喊喊喊喊。

我知我知,你不要我吃藥。我知我知,你要我吃飯。

Give me time.....

pic: Alice in Wonderland, by Sir John Tenniel

星期四, 1月 14, 2010

Palliative Care

Father is admitted to palliative care unit. At the first instance I questioned about the decision of the hospital but soon I accepted the arrangement.

As a matter of fact.

Traditionally medical procedures are something adding days to life. Meanwhile palliative care is doing adding life to days. Mother commented palliative care = dying. I said we are all in the middle of dying since we were born and all we could do is adding life to days.

Add life to days.

星期二, 1月 12, 2010

push and pull factors


以前寫過感情上的hygiene factors and motivational factors。

對我來說hygiene factors 指金錢呀社會地位呀資產呀咁有or多d唔會增加我對一段感情的滿意度極其量只會去道indifference(towards 0)但冇or不足就會容易令我在有其他野trigger時唔滿意 (towards -1)
-1 .................... 0 ....................1


dissatisfaction satisfaction

而motivational factors 就是志趣相投,有共同理想,互相欣賞,親蜜,仰慕,外形,善解人意等等有或多d會增加滿足感 (towards 1)不知道如果男生要用hygiene factors and motivational factors這個framework去分析會是怎麼樣的呢?

p.s. hygiene factors and motivational factors 本乃心理學理論,亦應用於人事管理

那末,感情可否以push and pull factors 去分析?


星期六, 1月 09, 2010

太陽底下無新事

情緒作祟,我哪會不知道?只是我任性,只是我愛任性,所以愛哭就哭。(丫,爆佢樽啦)

你是情場老手了,對我耍小性子視若無睹。但煩得跳腳,你怒吼:「你睇下對手係咩人先啦!」

翌日回公司開會傾了一輪正經事,忽然脾氣消了,心也豁然開朗了。當夜與你晚飯,我把前事當笑話。

今天慵倦,不想見任何人,不想出門。我寧願獨留在家,一個人讀亦舒,聽王菲,吃冰糖燕窩。

「你睇下對手係咩人先啦!」確是至理明言(乜得你咁多金句)。

嘿嘿。

picture: Rene Magritte's La Magie Noire

(來訪我家者,若要買手信,可考慮送厠紙或廚房抹手紙或冰糖燕窩。yeah!)

星期二, 1月 05, 2010

Clover


My palm I hold you
My heart I bore you
Clover Clover Clover
But it is now Over Over Over

The booklet I tear in shreds
The bracelet I treat it like dirt
Over Over Over
Though you were once Clover Clover Clover

星期一, 1月 04, 2010

MOLESKINE

營養師今天千里昭昭來大埔探望我,她走上走落,因為她遺下手信在未婚夫車上。

我這頭腦簡單的人接過這一盒用漂亮的地圖紙包起的禮物,便想像裡面一定是吃的.....揮別零九年,我什麼也重拾過來:自信啦赤子之心啦華麗的生活態度啦關心時事啦......食慾啦。

剛剛打開禮物一看,一朵笑容便在面上哈了出來。噢,妳送我的,竟是一套MOLESKINE notebooks呢。

多細心的選擇,多別緻的心意!

今天很快樂。因為我獨享營養師一整個下午。下午的聊天好自在恬然呀--雖然回家後給一個男人罵了我一頓--啫不過,男人啫,我依家好狠瀟洒架啦。學師兄話齋,氣,一街都係仔啦。

老老實實,只要我自己及家人及好友們身心康泰;我上班開開心心;月尾糧單體體面面;我身材皮膚永遠如春;我住自己的小房子;可愛男伴不缺;俾得起錢同醫生傾偈,有得呻有得訓,咩男人出出入入,i dont really give a damn!

亦舒說得對,一個女人到一定境界,便會對兩性關係變得自在。我對婚姻沒有慾望,我甚至不需要拍拖。喜歡我的男仕們,你們追我啦追我啦,我會好好享受你,逍遣你。當然,你也會得到可餐的秀色。

fair enough...?

星期六, 1月 02, 2010

七十危危乎房地產信託基金

小試牛刀,如果這筆投資處理得宜,我們何妨不想想發起一個私募房地產信託基金,為未來籌謀?

夜籣人靜,我隨便brainstorming 一下:

1. 基金要用private equity trust 的形式建立。在書仔中要開宗明義列明基金的objectives;
2. 要有議事規則,會議adjourn以後吹水一律不予正視;
3. 股東彼此必需是摯友,並且品格高尚;
4. 要有反敵意收購條款;
5. 派年息之餘須為基金保留一定資本,一來作日後投資本金,二來作備用現金回購要求退股之股東的股份;
6. 每月/季舉行knowledge-sharing sessions,由股東或嘉賓主持,分享自己領域知識,既可凝聚情誼,又何增進知識。
7. 可加入社會責任原素,例如把「眾人的傘」這個概念引入中環。

當基因研究長足發展

夜來突發奇想。

科學不斷進步,當我們是否身負癌症、心臟病,遺傳病症的基因都被實驗室裡的陌生人看個透澈時,是否意味有一撮人會因為這個原因而買不到或需要付出高昂代價才能購得保險?未來社會安全網又可如何趕上商家的步履,填補這個可能出現的漏洞?

生活對人類來說,真的越來越尖刻。

病了兩個星期,重感冒。

現在好了一點,但睡眠時間都給搞亂了。

非清晨五時不能入睡。睡著了則惡夢連連,且冒冷汗。驚醒後卻一直昏昏欲睡,日間小睡三四次。

嗯。
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